If Disney Villains had a Sassy Gay Friend
by Strawberry Moon 007
Summary: Would the Disney Villains have failed or even gone through with their evil plans if they had a Sassy Gay Friend? I doubt it... Please tell me if you would like to see your favourite disney villain included if they're from an animated movie I do not own any of the disney villains used or the Sassy Gay Friend.
1. Queen Grimhilde

Meet the evil Queen from the classic Disney fairytale Snow White. She is about to disguise herself as an old hag to murder her stepdaughter Snow White with a poisoned apple. This will lead to her being crushed with a boulder after falling to her death. She could have avoided this fate if she had a sassy gay friend.

Just as the feared queen was about to raise the goblet to her lips a flamboyant man wearing a salmon pink scarf appeared in the arched doorway just as the lightning struck.

"What are you doing?" He demanded. "What, what, what are you doing?"

**Cue Sassy Gay Friend's theme tune as he poses and smiles for the camera**

The Queen gave him a hard defiant stare and held her head high. "I am about to don this disguise so I can kill Snow White and once again be the fairest of them all!"

Sassy Gay Friend rolled his eyes. "Spare me the soap operas Queenie, first of all, what, what, what are you drinking?" He snatched the potion right out of her hands and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Eww, it reeks of dead people! Do you even know what that's gonna do to your body?

The Queen looked at him with a deranged glint in her eyes. "This will transform me into a simple peddler so I can approach the cottage where Snow White is in hiding!"

"Uh uh uh! I don't think so!" Sassy Gay Friend strode over to the window and poured the murky green liquid outside.

There was a brief silence for a moment as the Queen gasped in outrage.

"HOW DARE YOU!" She reached out to claw his face with her manicured nails but was immediately silenced as he easily grabbed her wrists before any damage could be done.

"Put me down, impudent homosexual acquaintance!" She commanded, but couldn't help pouting.

"Aww you're kinda cute when you're defenseless!" He gave a small chuckle, but didn't let go until he pinned her arms firmly to her sides. She huffed irritably as he bent down to look her squarely in the eye.

"So, let me get this straight, instead of keeping your looks and leaving well enough alone… you were going to kill someone by using magic to make yourself ugly? Did you even know how long you'd be stuck like that? What if the wind changed?" Sassy Gay Friend raised his eyebrows as he tried to make sense of her logic. His dubious expression made even the stoic Queen waver slightly.

"The spell would have worn off soon enough." She waved it off dismissively.

"How do you know there wouldn't be side effects? For all we know, a potion on the lips is a lifetime on the hips!"

At this the Queen visibly paled, despite her already pastel complexion. "Maybe it was a ridiculous idea." She quickly wrenched free and turned her back to him, her long black cape flowing out behind her. "I must find another huntsman to carry out this task! He'll have to be harder and stronger than the last weakling…" Sassy Gay Friend winced at her harsh chuckle, thinking about the skeleton in the dungeon he had passed on his way down.

"Ok, as much I love strong hard guys getting in on the action, second of all, you want to commit murder because you're jealous of a fourteen year old! Aside from the fact that death by clearly artificial-looking apples are so last century, do you know how shallow that makes you?" He exclaimed.

This drew her up to her full height with a look of malice. "That simpering girl will not diminish my beauty! I will see to that if it's the last thing I do!"

Sassy Gay Friend moved closer so he could shout in her ear. "She's a teenage girl! She has her whole life ahead of her, she stays healthy, and from what I've heard, she doesn't cake herself from head to toe in tacky makeup! Of course she's going to be better looking!"

He didn't stop despite her obvious scowl. "Yeah! I said it! I'm sorry Queenie, really, but wake up and smell the mummy dust smoothie! You've had your time in that crowd, let a younger generation step up!"

His words of wisdom had taken effect. The Queen bent her head with a quivering lip. "But I-I want to be beautiful!" She whimpered. "When I was her age, I looked disgusting! My complexion was uneven; my eyebrows were thick- I had to work hard for my appearance! And she just waltzes past that stage without any blemishes at all! I-it's not fair!"

"Ah! Ok! Come here!" Sassy Gay Friend put his arm around her. "Everyone goes through that stage at some point! And okay it sucks that some people just breeze through puberty like that, but you know what? Sometimes all you need to do is find a new look, you can still be pretty without killing anyone!"

The Queen looked up at him, two symmetrical lines of mascara running from each eye. "Do you mean I'll still be beautiful?"

"Sure you will! For starters, how about you let down that hair of yours instead of hiding it with that alien balaclava thing you've got going?" Sassy Gay Friend suggested.

The Queen carefully removed her crown and pulled the cloak off her head to release a long set of wavy black ringlets that cascaded down her back.

Sassy Gay Friend whistled. "Wow you go girl! Now how about we go shopping for a new wardrobe? That purple robe's striking and all, but it's totally last millennia! I'm thinking, knee length skirt to show off some fabulous shoes!"

"Oh, could they be stiletto boots?" The Queen clasped her hands together. "I've never had much use for them with a long skirt! And could they be in black? I would like some nail polish to match!"

"Sure thing! I tell you what; you should invest in a new mirror- one that doesn't talk. If there's one thing that's bad for body confidence, it's a rude reflection! By the way," He turned to look at her. "What was your full name again? Cause I doubt that you were christened 'queen' since birth!"

"It's Grimhilde." She replied.

"…Eh I'll stick with Queenie, Come on you stupid bitch!"

"Wait, what did you just call me?" She suddenly turned on her heel with her trademark death glare.

"Nothing!" He raised his hands in the air. Fortunately this seemed to satisfy her and they turned to go. "She's a stupid bitch." He whispered before following her out.

**End**

**So begins the first installment of "If Disney Villains had a Sassy Gay Friend"! It begins with the Disney Villain that started it all- the queen from Snow White! There are some villains I know will definitely be in this, but if you have a favorite Disney villain that you would like to see, please let me know! Although it's important to note that I am sticking to the animated movies. Stay tuned! **


	2. Maleficent

Meet Maleficent from classic Disney's Sleeping Beauty. She is about to curse the newborn princess Aurora. This will lead to her being stabbed by the princess's fiancé, a fate that could have been avoided if she had a Sassy Gay Friend.

In the great hall of the royal palace everyone was staring in terror as the dark fairy raised her hands, ready to utter the incantation, when suddenly the large wooden doors burst open to reveal Sassy Gay Friend.

"What are you doing?" He shouted over the frightened whispers from the court as he pointed in her direction, one strand his salmon scarf flapping in the air behind him. "What, what, what are you doing?"

**Cue Sassy Gay Friend's theme tune as he pretends to wave a magic wand **

Maleficent's eyes widened in surprise for a moment but quickly turned back to the glowing green orb on top of her sceptre.

"Oh no you don't miss I-hate kids, step a-way from the cradle!" He ordered firmly once he reached her, wagging his finger.

She scowled but took a small step back so she could face him. "I am about to exact my revenge on these fools once and for all! I shall decree that on her sixteenth birthday the princess will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel…and die!"

At this she let out a stream of cruel laughter that echoed around the castle walls. While the spectators trembled with fear Sassy Gay Friend remained unfazed.

"A spinning wheel? Really? What's she gonna do, get a splinter?"

"It will be a poisoned splinter." Maleficent retorted coldly, not noticing that her pet raven had flown off to raid one of the nearby buffets.

Sassy Gay Friend looked at her in disbelief before continuing. "Ok, weird weapon choice aside, what exactly did they do to you to deserve this? Is the King your ex-boyfriend or something?"

Immediately the malevolent fairy shot him her worst look. However, while flinching slightly he stood his ground. "Okay! Maybe another time when there are no kiddies in the audience, I get it!" The king was also glaring at him but he took no notice.

However she chose to give an answer anyway, looking down at the amethyst hem of her skirt that fanned out in front of her, as if she had not heard his words.

"I received no invitation to this ceremony." She stated blankly. There was a small silence as he waited for her to go on but apparently that was all she would reveal.

Sassy Gay Friend stared at her, flabbergasted. "That's it? You take their child from them because you weren't invited to a birthday party? Your problem is that you take everything two steps too far! Do I throw a tantrum and burn down the store every time the person in front of me buys the last pair of skinny jeans?"

"One time you almost did." She shot back.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well that was different! You know that she didn't have the build for them!"

While this made her give a small smile, it vanished as quickly as it had appeared. This did not go unnoticed by Sassy Gay Friend.

"Maleficent who cares if a couple of prissy parents don't invite you to their kid's party? Would you even have enjoyed it? I mean look at the décor in here! They can't tell their reds from their oranges and though they clearly haven't invested in big enough wall decorations, the ones they have all clash with each other! Do you really want to spend valuable time getting a headache from staring at… those?" He gestured to a particularly vile hanging that was tomato-orange and was adorned with a navy black symbol outlined in mustard gold. Maleficent turned a slightly darker shade of green than her usual jade complexion.

"Hideous, right?" He nodded in agreement. "Wait 'til you see what they've got lined up for entertainment! Does standing around talking to people you've never met and most likely will never talk to again while listening to music by singers who can't sing sound like fun to you?"

"Well… if you word it that way," Maleficent began but he didn't stop there.

"But that's not even the worst part! They don't even have any alcohol!"

The dark fairy's eyes widened. "What?" She whispered in surprise. "But that is most vital part of a celebration! It was indeed, the sole reason for why I bothered to attend this gathering!" She looked to Sassy Gay Friend with curiosity. "Tell me, if what you say is true, and there are no alcoholic beverages, what have they decided upon for a replacement?"

Sassy Gay Friend looked grim. "You really want to know? I warn you, it's not going to be pretty!"

Maleficent held her head high. "I am the mistress of all evil. I think I can handle whatever concoction they have in store."

Sassy Gay Friend paused for dramatic effect. "The only drink on offer is… orange squash."

"SQUASH?!" Maleficent gasped, one of her eyelids twitching madly.

"Told you so." The flamboyant man remarked. However Maleficent paid no attention as she was still seething.

"That-that watery excuse for a drink? Would it have killed the precious royal couple of cheapskates to at least purchase real orange juice? Anything is better than that filthy fruit-flavoured sewer water!"

"They probably spent it all on the drapes." Sassy Gay Friend shrugged.

"Oh this kingdom will suffer my wrath! I will curse generations upon generations of the royal family for offering this meagre substance!" Her black robes flared up with green flame in her anger.

"Whoa!" Sassy Gay Friend gestured with his hands to stop her blaspheming. "Slow down crazy! Slow down!" He said in a calming manner. To the immense relief of everyone in the room she lowered her arms, ceasing the flames.

Sassy Gay Friend looked her squarely in the eye. "I don't think this is just about the party, is it?" It was a statement, not a question.

Maleficent looked at him with a tired expression that was full of sorrow. "You understand I didn't always use to be like this. But not one soul in these lands seems to want to make my acquaintance! I recognize that I am evil but every so often I feel I will go insane when my only company is an army of goons who can't even follow the simplest order to make me a grilled cheese sandwich! Of course it doesn't help that the most intelligent out of all of them is a pig…" She trailed off as a lone tear trailed down her cheek.

Sassy Gay Friend patted her shoulder comfortingly. "Aw I know, I know, it's tough being surrounded by pigs, but you want to hear a secret? I know for a fact that there are millions of people out there who do care about you! And who knows? Maybe one day in the future they'll make a whole movie about you starring Angelina Jolie! But in the meantime how about we ditch this joint and go to a real party? I know someplace where the cocktails are on fire!"

At this Maleficent's lime green eyes lit up. "Now that does sound intriguing! I must admit, I have always wanted to try a beverage like that!"

"Oh I wasn't just talking about the drinks!" Sassy Gay Friend winked. Maleficent shook her head with a small smile but nevertheless linked her arm with his as they exited the large stone building together, her raven finally swooping up to join them with a beakful of stale cheese-cubes.

"Honestly, sometimes you are quite…"

"-I know." He interrupted with a laugh. "I'm a stupid bitch."

**End**

**And so SGF has worked his magic on one of the most feared Disney villains of all time! And it just so happens that there will be a live action Disney movie about Maleficent starring Angelina Jolie, apparently it's coming out 2014. While I tried to hint that she has a tragic back-story I have no idea what exactly Disney has in store for everyone's favourite villainess…**


	3. Cruella De Vil

Meet Cruella De Vil from Disney's 101 Dalmatians. She is about to arrange the kidnapping of fifteen puppies. This will lead her arrest and eventual mental breakdown. She could have avoided all this if she had a Sassy Gay Friend.

"Those fools! I'll show them! I'll show all of them!" Cruella seethed, parking her red Rolls Royce on a good half of the pavement next to a street phone box in a sheltered area of town.

Once she had successfully locked the vehicle she strode over to the phone box like she meant business. However just as she swung open the door to call those dozy minions of hers, she jumped back, startled at the sight of a person in there.

"What are you doing?" Sassy Gay Friend emerged from the small public building in one fluid motion. "What, what, what are you doing?"

**Cue Sassy Gay Friend's theme tune as he flips his scarf over his shoulder with a wink**

"If those idiots aren't going to give me the puppies I have to resort to other methods!" Cruella's eyes glinted dangerously.

Sassy Gay Friend's eyes widened. "Did all that ink you drank as a child blot out your brain cells? You can't just steal someone else's pets! You could end up in jail! I know that the orange jumpsuit style is not a good look for you! And who knows what you'd get stuck with for community service!"

Cruella scowled, rolling her eyes in an exaggerated manner. "You fool! Of course I'm not going to carry it out myself! Do you think I want to get caught? Jasper and Horace will take care of those little beasts as soon as their spots have grown!"

"Oh, the fat guy and the thin guy, right? You know like the bad Laurel and Hardy sketch, the ones who just laze around watching TV? Just the guys I'd want to put in charge of my personal affairs!" Sassy Gay Friend uttered sarcastically.

The mad millionairess threw up her hands in impatient frustration. "Well it's too late to find anyone else now, I need those puppies and their coats as soon as possible!"

Sassy Gay Friend held up a hand to silence her. "Ok we seriously need to deal with this unhealthy fur fixation thing you've got going on pronto! First it was fox hats, then it was ocelot leggings and now it's innocent little puppies? What's next, belts with baby panda heads?"

The domino haired woman glowered. "Of course not! Do you think I like looking at miserable animal faces? And My pastime is perfectly valid!"

"Cruella you're the reason the Javan tigers died out." Sassy Gay Friend said frankly.

"Well why should it be a problem if I dress well? You sound just like one of those wretched conservationists! If the nasty little brutes are going extinct that's their problem! I'm just a follower of fashion!"

"Honey, I'm a follower of fashion but you don't see me walking down the high street wearing bits of other people's dogs!" Sassy Gay Friend raised his eyebrows. "First off, eww it's gross resembling something that pisses on hydrants out in the open, and secondly, I'm pretty sure that there are other materials on the menu in this month's vogue!"

"Maybe so but why should I give up my favourite style for a few measly magazines? I love furs! I live for furs! They make me feel so classy, so secure, and sexy…" Watching her huddle herself deeper into the huge coat made Sassy Gay Friend come to a realization.

"Ok is it me or is all this fur compensating for something?"

"What do you mean by that?" She looked at him cynically.

"I say it's time to make this addiction extinct! Step out of that coat right now, do some shopping for new clothes, preferably ones that no animals were harmed in the making of! You'll feel better and the activists will respect you for it." 

"Preposterous!" Cruella snapped. "Give up my fur coats? How dare you suggest such a thing!"

"Out of the coat." Sassy Gay Friend insisted firmly.

"I refuse!" She stood her ground.

"Out of the coat!" Sassy Gay Friend repeated the order, making beckoning signals.

"Never!"

"Fine, we're gonna have to do this the hard way!" He grabbed hold of the thick white hood and wrenched it off her. She kicked and screamed and tried to pull away but he wasn't having any of it. However, when her and the coat were finally separated, he gave a huge gasp at her sticklike figure.

"Look at you! You're all skin and bones!" He exclaimed.

"Imbecile! Give me back my coat!" She yelled furiously, although when she took it back, she didn't put it back on and instead kept it in her scrawny arms.

"Ok, when was the last time you ate anything?" Sassy Gay Friend demanded. "And I'm not talking about the one slice of green pepper a week!" He added just as she opened her mouth. This resulted in a few minutes pause.

"If I'm being perfectly honest I can't really remember when I began my diet." She admitted eventually, looking down at the fur in her arms. "It's quite peculiar really, because of my smoking, I never really had much of an appetite."

"And how long have you been like this? Don't you see all the non-smoking posters everywhere?"

"I thought that if I dressed in the latest fashions nobody would notice. And wearing all my lovely furs I felt like I was young and beautiful again…" She trailed off, deep in thought.

Sassy Gay Friend looked her straight in the eye. "You know what I think? I think that all this time you've been hiding inside those coats because you don't wanna confront your body issues!"

"Well…" Cruella wavered slightly. "You may be right… but what am I supposed to do now?" For probably the first time in her life she looked lost and unsure of herself.

However Sassy Gay Friend immediately gave a bright grin, showing off his pearly white teeth. "I tell ya what we're gonna do- we're gonna go up to Harrods, you are going to get a new wardrobe and some nicotine patches, **and** you are going to eat something solid!" He announced, like he meant business.

"Now let's get moving!" He ordered, gesturing for them to go towards the very awkwardly parked car.

"Ooh…" He stared uncomfortably at position of the automobile and the various dents on the hood and doors.

"…On second thoughts, how about I drive?" He suggested.

She gave a tiny smile. "If you must… but only because I feel too tired at the moment!"

"Then it's settled! Now get in the car you stupid bitch!" He opened the door to the passenger seat for her to get in.

"She's a stupid bitch." He declared, before getting into the driver seat.

**End**


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